Stats People Wanted!

When your friends call you "OCD," do you respond, "That's a misuse of 'OCD.' How can a person be 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?'"

Or when your friends call you a "nerd," do you go into a ten-minute explanation on how the Riemann zeta function tattoo covering your chest has cultural significance that all people can enjoy?

Or when your friends call you a "dork," do you tell them to quiet down until you've finished calculating the VORP for all the players on your fantasy baseball team?

Or do you just really love roller derby?


The Chicago Outfit Roller Derby Stats Crew is looking for a few good "Bookies" to join them. Without these folks, bouts don't really happen. Various duties include scorekeeping, penalty-tracking, penalty box-timing, and other things dealing with those symbols you geeks call "numbers." And you're closer to the action than you think... you could even get lucky and find that a derby girl has fallen and slid head-first into your shins!

No prior knowledge of roller derby or its rules is required, but a willingness to learn the various ins and outs of the game is desired.

Email outfitbookies@gmail.com to find out more information on how you can be a part of the growing derby community!


And don't worry about Ogre. He won't hurt you.

NEEERRRRRRRRRRDS!!!!!

Sweet Mary Pain Wins Gold

Congratulations to The Outfit's own Sweet Mary Pain for placing first in the 2009 Quad National Speed Skating Championships this past weekend in Peoria, IL. Sweets came in first in all three of her singles events (500m, 1000m, and 1500m) in the Classic Ladies division to bring home gold to Chicago.

Pairing up with Jason Countryman, her speed coach and fellow member of the Fleetwood Speed Team, Sweet Mary Pain also won gold in the Classic 2 Mixed Relay.

While no photo is available at press time, you can imagine her standing on the podium with a medal around her neck lookin' like a total dweebus.

The Syndicate Defeats Motor City Disassembly Line 155-40!

The Chicago Outfit Syndicate entered Saturday's bout hoping to continue their unbeaten run in 2009. Hosting the Motor City Disassembly Line (Detroit) in their third home bout of the season, the Syndicate quashed all ideas of a visitor upset, skating to a 155 - 40 victory in front of a large crowd of partisan fans at the Windy City Fieldhouse in Logan Square.

The first jam of the night was a small sign of things to come, as team captain Sweet Mary Pain grabbed lead jammer and a single point against Motor City's Combat Cat. After a 2 - 2 split between Chicago's Queefer Sutherland and Motor City's Effin Money, Sweet Mary Pain came back on the track to win Jam 3 with a 9-0 score against Jackie O'Noyoudidn't. Jam 4 finally went Motor City's way, as some good blocking helped Combat Cat score 9 points to Chicago's 0, bringing the score to 12-11 in Chicago's favor. Unfortunately for the visitors, this is the closest they would come for the rest of the night.

Chicago's defense, led by strong up-front work from pivots Gaygan and Smashley "The Spaniard" Destructo, shut out Motor City for 8 straight jams. Meanwhile, high-scoring jams from Queefer Sutherland (9 - 0 in Jam 7), Kim Mortal (10 - 0 in Jam 8), and Jennie Lee Von Slaughter (14 - 0 in Jam 9) helped Chicago go on a 47 - 0 run during those jams and take a 59 - 11 lead. Effin Money finally broke Motor City's scoring drought in Jam 13, taking advantage of a power jam to notch 3 grand slams and close the gap to a manageable 59-26. Before the half closed out, however, Chicago widened that gap again, thanks in part to a 20-point jam from Sweet Mary Pain. The Syndicate headed to the home locker room with a comfortable 87-26 lead.

The few Motor City fans in the crowd clung to their hopes of second-half comeback, but those were dashed as they watched their team only muster 14 points after the break. Meanwhile, Chicago continued to build on their lead with strong jams from familiar names Queefer Sutherland (9 - 0 in Jam 2 of the second half), Sweet Mary Pain (10 - 0 in Jam 11), and Jennie Lee Von Slaughter (9 - 0 in Jam 9 and 10 - 0 in Jam 15). Lola Blow capped the evening with a 4 - 0 win before the final horn signaled the end of the 155 - 40 Chicago victory.

Sweet Mary Pain led all jammers with 53 points, gaining lead jammer status in all 9 of her jams. The blockers ahead of her helped Sweets enjoy a +53 point differential against opposing jammers, meaning that—once again—the opposing jammers failed to score a single point when the captain was jamming. Chicago also got scoring help from Queefer Sutherland (40 points/10 jams), Jennie Lee Von Slaughter (33 points/4 jams), Kim Mortal (20 points/5 jams), Lola Blow (5 points/2 jams), and Graves (4 points/2 jams).

Chicago's defense continued its season-long domination, shutting out Motor City in 27 of the 33 jams of the bout. When they could break through the pack, the Disassembly Line jammers were led by Effin Money (22 points/11 jams), while Combat Cat (14 points/10 jams) and Elle Iminator (4 points/1 jam) were able to do their own chipping away at the lead.

The Syndicate, now 5 - 0 and winning each game by an average score of 144 - 50, is back in action Saturday, September 5, when they take on visiting Demolition City at the Windy City Fieldhouse. Tickets are now available online.



2009 Syndicate Bout Results

July 18 (home): Chicago Outfit Syndicate 155 - Motor City Disassembly Line 40

June 27 (home): Chicago Outfit Syndicate 170 - Pikes Peak Slamazons 36

June 6 (away): Chicago Outfit Syndicate 137 - Killamazoo Derby Darlins 55 (Recap on Derby News Network)

May 16 (home): Chicago Outfit Syndicate 118 - Sonoma County (CA) 69

March 21 (away): Chicago Outfit Syndicate 142 - G-Rap Attack! (Grand Rapids, MI) 52

Record: 5 - 0


2009 Shade Brigade Bout Results

July 11 (away): Cedar Rapids Roller Girls 122 - Chicago Outfit Shade Brigade 43

May 16 (home): Chicago Outfit Shade Brigade 154 - Quad City Rollers 60

Record: 1-1

Derby Girl "Suburban" Car Wash

We love washing cars! You know the drill, come get your wheels squeeky clean as the Chicago Outfit Roller Derby scrubs and rubs the suds!

We'll be at Universal Transmission Specialists located at 9300 Grand Ave in Franklin Park.

The fun starts at 1pm!

Come join us for some good clean fun and FREE VIENNA BEEF HOT DOGS!