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Why? Because I said so! That's why! Now eat your dang broccoli!

Outfit Home Season Schedule for 2010

It's coming...

April 24 - DOUBLE HEADER
Syndicate vs. Paper Valley Roller Girls All-Stars (Appleton, WI)
Shade Brigade vs. Paper Valley Roller Girls Flyin' Squirrels

May 15
Syndicate vs. North Star Supernovas (Minneapolis, MN)

June 5 - DOUBLE HEADER
Syndicate vs. Ohio Roller Girls All-Stars (Columbus, OH)
Shade Brigade vs. Ohio Roller Girls Gang Green

August 14
Syndicate vs. Naptown Tornado Sirens (Indianapolis, IN)

September 11
Syndicate vs. Sioux Falls Roller Dollz (Sioux Falls, SD)

October 9 - DOUBLE HEADER
Syndicate vs. Killamazoo Derby Darlins (Kalamazoo, MI)
Shade Brigade vs. Lafayette Brawlin' Dolls (Lafayette, IN)


All home bouts are at the Windy City Fieldhouse
2367 W Logan Blvd
Chicago, IL 60647



View Larger Map

Commence with the derbyin'

Spotlight On... #1031 Maul E. Hatchet

Here at the Spotlight, we are always looking for the best deals. But in this crazy marketplace, how can we know when we are getting a good deal and when we are getting a good deal... of BALONEY?
Back in the day, we would wander around the mall. There is no need to do our shopping at the mall anymore, though, because we have Maul E. Hatchet with us today. She is home to five electronics stores, three cinnamon bun stands, and two toy stores. I hear she might even get an indoor roller coaster soon.
Winter is about to end, so we need to go look for the finest in spring fashion.

When/how you first got involved with roller derby: Well, I was born with skates on, but it took me until February of 2008 to find The Chicago Outfit. Elsey U. Suffer brought me to my first practice, and I knew this is where I belonged and that this was family.

Sports before roller derby: Water polo, swim team, soccer, and track.

Signature move: If you don't know, we need to have a chat. It's the booty clap, but really putting my booty right in your lap or water falling you to the outside with Gaygan or Lola.

Notable injuries: Right thigh dent; permanent muscle damage. Wanna see? [No.]

Best team derby moment: Crushing every team at Fall Brawl II in 2008.

Best personal derby moment: When I finally fell in love with blocking. I still want to jam, but how I love to whoop some ass in the pack.

Worst personal derby moment: When I got so pissed at a scrimmage I took off and threw my helmet across our practice space. That was the one and only time.

Favorite/rival non-Outfit skater: Felony Friendly from Angel City Derby Girls and Rebel Rock-it from Toronto Roller Derby, Her hips are about the height halfway up my ribcage. She's a wicked skater and a damn fun girl to party with.


Favorite tattoo: My side piece, a tribute to my mother.

What you do when you're not skating: You mean there's something to do other than skate? Well, I guess I do have to take time to work on that booty clap and make sure that it's perfect. That and yoga and acupuncture (my new obsession).

Favorite place in Chicago: Boystown! Who doesn't like to be surrounded by rainbows?

Music you hate that everyone else likes: Katy Perry? Is she still popular? That stupid 'I Kissed a Girl' song makes me so angry

Favorite Derby Photographer: Duh! Shoot To Kill

Guilty pleasures: Dance competition shows like 'So You Think You Can Dance' and 'America's Best Dance Crew.'

Tell us something you probably shouldn't: I love it when people hit hard in a pack. Nothing gets me more in the mood to play derby than knowing it's gonna be a tough, hard-hitting pack.

Give us some advice: Remember no matter what crazy stuff happens on your league, your team is your family, and they'll always be there for you no matter what.

Finally, draw yourself in MSPaint:

Click to enlarge.

Thanks for letting us visit you today, Maul. I was able to pick up some really nice shirts and slacks. While I did find a bandage on the slice of pizza I got at the food court, it still tasted okay.
Join us again soon for another Spotlight, where we can do our shopping ONLINE, not IN LINE!

Spaghetti Wrestling Fundraiser! This Friday!

What: Derby girls, raffle prizes, beer and spaghetti. Boom!

Where: Exit Chicago, 1315 W. North Ave

When: Friday, February 19, 2010
11:00pm (but we highly recommend you get there early)

No cover! Donations suggested, as 30% of all proceeds benefit Action Against Hunger's work in Haiti.

In the words of Abraham Lincoln, let's "git-r-done."

Spotlight On... #7 Jennie Lee Von Slaughter

Do we stay home all the time 'cause you want me to yourself?
Is that true? Is that true? Is that true?
Or am I locked away, had a feeling that I'd find someone else
Is that true? Is that true? Is that true?
Well, I don't like living under your Spotlight
Just because you think I might find somebody worthy
Well, I don't like living under your spotlight
Baby if you treat me right, you won't have to worry

As seasonal affective disorder is apparently starting to rear its ugly head, Jennie is here to show us that Slaughter is the best medicine.

When/how you first got involved with roller derby: In January of 2008, I got sucked into the awful reality show "Rock of Love." There was an episode that had a challenge involving roller derby, and this was the first time in my life I ever saw this! I researched this "roller derby" thing online until I finally found a league that seemed appealing to me (The Chicago Outfit), and I got up the courage to join in June of 2008.

Sports before roller derby: I ran track and cross country until I had surgery for anterior compartment pressure in high school, then I gave up on competitive sports until derby! I have also skied since 3rd grade and it actually helped me more in roller derby than one would expect.

Notable injuries: A concussion at practice. Avoid these if you are in college and have finals the next week; thinking + concussion = impossible.

Best team derby moment: I thought about this for like 2 weeks and I really don't think I can choose a specific moment. I think my favorite moments are (obviously) when we're bouting and when we travel together. Never mess with an Outfit skater because every single one of her teammates has her back!

Best personal derby moment: I would have to say my whole first season. When I compare my abilities now to where I was last year at this time I am astonished. I hope to improve that much every year, and looking at the over all improvement is what gets me through a bad week of derby more than one good bout can. Everybody has a bad day or week, or even a bad month, but if you look at the big picture it helps to get through the frustration!

Worst personal derby moment: Being on sabbatical for a month and completely falling out of shape. I wish we never ever had an off-season so I would never have an excuse to let myself rest!


Favorite tattoo: Van Gogh inspired almond blossoms on my back

Still-to-come tattoos: Salvador Dali clock on my wrist. The rest are secrets.

Food you hate that everyone else likes: I absolutely despise all forms of corn. Everything about corn is awful. This might be attributed to the fact that I grew up in DeKalb (a.k.a. Corntown), but I'd like to think that corn is solely to blame.

Tell us something you probably shouldn't: I watch Reality Television after I spent years making fun of people who watch that stuff! (I've learned not to judge.)

Finally, draw yourself in MSPaint: I spent an hour on this.

Watch out for those trees. If you don't impale yourself on the sharp glass that is inexplicably coming out of them, they might just up and fly away on you.
Let's all thank Jennie for her time. I hope you all return for the next Spotlight when we'll no doubt continue to critique people's skills in the worst computer drawing application currently in existence.

Would ya like to take a surrr-vay?

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been getting plenty hairy around here.

All that aside, the Women's Flat Track Derby Association would like fans of roller derby (this means you!) to fill out a nice demographic survey so they can serve us better.

Please take 5 minutes out of your daily internettin' to pay their site a visit and fill out their nice survey. Be sure to mark down the Chicago Outfit as your league of choice. If we get around to it, we'll thank you in nachos.

Spotlight On... #67 Valerie of the Dolls

Welcome back. We've missed you, reader. It seems like it has been so long. Please let me know if you're going to be gone for that long next time so I can make sure the plants are always getting watered.
Today, we hear from Valerie of the Dolls, an Outfit skater who isn't aware of the new WFTDA rule allowing slapping (but only if the other person is REALLY MEAN). From the looks of it to the left, this seems like a young lady who really enjoys candy. Maybe she can someday score a sponsorship deal with Mike & Ike or something. In the meantime, can someone please let me know what kind of candy comes in that orange, plastic container she's holding? I spent all last night at the grocery store looking for it, as I really want to pick some up for my kids. Thanks.
On with the questions...


When/how you first got involved with roller derby: One of my best friends (Hayley Vomit) began playing with the Kansas City Roller Warriors, which initially got me interested in roller derby. My roommate and I heard that there was roller derby in Chicago and she took me to a game. When Haley was telling me about how to play I thought that I wasn't tough enough for derby but as soon as I saw it, I knew I had to play it.

Sports before roller derby: I played softball and was a cheerleader until my sophomore year in high school until I discovered cynicism, art, and smoking cigarettes. At my undergrad (Savannah College of Art and Design) I attempted to play lacrosse, which turned out to be a comedy of errors because I can't stand to run, and that's basically all you do in lacrosse.

Signature move: Vomiting at the afterparty, or when I get home, or in my hands, or out the car window, or ALL DAY the next day.

Notable injuries: I broke my wrist when I was a roller derby referee, but I haven't broken anything since I've been a skater. It seems referees are more in peril!

Best team derby moment: I loved almost every minute with my team at RollerCon, the laughing, the yelling, the heat and starvation! I was very proud that the challenge bout I put together worked out and was a victory for team CHI OR DIE! However, it was irksome that people didn't know we were a mix of women who have called Chicago our home at some point and thought the "Chi" was pronounced like the Chi that is the natural energy of the universe and not like our abbreviated Chi-Town.

Best personal derby moment: Winning "Most Improved" at our 2009 season awards. I really worked my butt off last season and it feels really good to know that my teammates noticed.

[Ed. note: Personally, I think the following picture should be up there among her best personal moments]

[But maybe it's only because it gives us this.]

Worst personal derby moment: When I was slapped in the face during game. I know roller derby is a full-contact sport, but come on people. It's A SPORT! You don't slap someone in the face because you don't like a particular block or something doesn't go your way. It was embarrassing and horrible! It's also very unprofessional and childish and it regresses what the WFTDA and skaters are trying to do for the sport of roller derby.

Number of tattoos: No tattoos on me! Although I have art that has been tattooed on two different people.

Favorite place in Chicago: I'm totally not a creepy, goth weird-o, I swear... but I love to wander around Rosehill Cemetery. I still can't find the grave of Bobby Franks! And I don't want any hints—I have to find it on my own.
For Chicago history buffs you will remember Bobby Franks was the innocent victim of the notorius, genius thrill-killers: Leopold and Loeb. If you don't know who they are look them up and learn something today!


Favorite piece of art: Kentucky Coffin Quilt

Guilty pleasures: Britney Spears, Third-Wave Ska, The Wigwam Villages (http://www.wigwamvillage.com), PBS Reality shows where people live in different time periods and have to act and live the way they did back then.

Tell us something you probably shouldn't: I cried when I saw My Giant.

Give us some advice: Everyone deserves a second chance!

Draw yourself in MSPaint:



That's our Valerie: always wearin' a helmet outside of derby, always playin' the piano without opposable thumbs, always goin' viral. Classic.
Thanks for the memories, Valerie of the Dolls. Please accept this children's placemat from a chain restaurant as a token of our gratitude. Do your best to help the Prime Minister of Burgertown find his way through the Mayonnaise Maze and back to Pickle Parliament!

Spotlight On... #14 The Joan Ranger

What's that in the sky? It's a bird! It's a plane! No... it's The Joan Ranger! Wait... Is her name not supposed to be a reference to Superman? Then I'm not sure I get it. Can someone help me out? Is it Batman?
Regardless of whatever esoteric reference she is going for, The Joan Ranger's background as an English teacher tells me I don't need to proofread her responses for spelling/grammatical errors. Anything you see can be blamed on the schools. Enjoy!

When/how you first got involved with roller derby: I was at The Whirlaway (a bar in Logan Square) with my friends Dave and Dan having a beer and talking about politics when Mexican Jumping Mean (a now-retired Outfit skater) put up a flier for a fundraiser party. I told her that I had been meaning to check out a bout, and she told me that I should join the team. I ended up going to the party and talking to a few of the girls; I was automatically impressed with the hospitality (especially Smashley’s jello shots). My first practice was two weeks later on January 27, 2008. [In her first response, she already properly uses a semicolon; we might be okay with grammar.]

Sports before roller derby: I was a benchwarmer on my grade school’s basketball and volleyball teams. I was always the little scrawny kid who worked really hard but was never any good. Right before I joined roller derby, I ran for fun and loosely practiced yoga.

Signature move: My favorite move is skating “spread eagle.” It sounds creepy, but it’s not. To do this move, both of my heels face each other, and my toes point in opposite directions. This maneuver allows me to dodge hits or continue to legally block ,with my back, a player who is almost around me.

Notable injuries: I herniated two disks in my spinal column in May 2009. That is pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! I had to take a dose of steroids to grow the tissue back, and I went through about two months of intense physical therapy. The hard work paid off though because I have virtually no back pain anymore! Shoutouts to John at the Andersonville Athletico!

Best team derby moment: Winning the 2008 Fall Brawl – the team worked hard for that honor, and the energy was incredible.

Best personal derby moment: My first bout after my back injury is my top personal derby moment. Both Suzie Crotchrot and I had to miss the first two bouts of the season due to injury, and we were ready for action! At the after party, we both heard countless comments on our ferocity throughout the bout – our desire to win was obvious. In addition to that, I had 20 family members show up to that bout – it was a huge surprise.

Number of tattoos: Two: a Scrabble piece on my right ankle -the letter J, which is worth 8 points, and a love knot on the back of my right shoulder.

Favorite tattoo: The love knot is my favorite because it’s in memory of my mom. When I was little, she would let me wear her love knot earrings, and I took them in and had a replication done.

What you do when you're not skating: I am an English teacher, so I am constantly grading. I am also very involved with the school in other ways. I am a congressional debate coach, and I moderate the Pep Club (I get kids to go to sporting events and organize pep rallies). Outside of derby and school, I like to travel when I have the opportunity. Road trip, anyone?

Guilty pleasures: Late night snacks. Preferably fried and dipped in ranch dressing.

Give us some advice: Do your homework or else I'm keeping you after school!

Draw yourself in MSPaint:

Okay, this MSPaint image leads me to believe her name is a reference to Spider-Man(?). Can someone please confirm/deny this?
Thanks for your time, Joan. We'll call when we have decided on a candidate. Don't call us.

Spotlight On... #5FT Graves

That was some break we had there. I hope you didn't think we were gone for good. The Spotlight shines on and on here at the blog of The Chicago Outfit. In fact, we are just getting warmed up. Graves is now up to bat (or some other sports metaphor). Standing a mere five feet above the ground, Graves shows us even the smallest among us can topple an opponent with a strong hit (as long is it's to a legal target zone, shorty).

When/how you first got involved with roller derby: I was handed a flyer for callouts for a previous Chicago roller derby league called the Chi-town Sirens. I was in need of some sort of outlet and camaraderie at the time. I also toyed with the idea of playing roller derby for about a year before then, as well. So I went to the callout by myself. About a month after I started practicing (still on rental skates from Fleetwood Roller Rink), the Chi-town Sirens League was dissolved, and I decided to collaborate with some other former Sirens skaters like Althea N. Hell and Charlenne in Charge to help start the Chicago Outfit. I was a freelance graphic designer at the time, so I poured my heart into creating a brand and image for the Outfit as well as learning to play the awesome sport of roller derby.

Sports before roller derby: I never really considered myself an athlete growing up. I played softball in elementary school and tried basketball and volleyball in middle school but lacked the competitive confidence to continue in high school. I actually tried out for soccer in high school, but I pulled my hip flexor which was detrimental in the scrimmage tryout. They made me manager and not a player. I said screw that and became president of the art club instead.

Signature move: I guess what I am known for is getting low. Without skates, I stand at 5'0" (hence my number, 5ft Above, yo.) I utilize my low center of gravity when the big girls go for a hit. It's my goal to draw an illegal hit or dodge the hit completely when I'm jamming.

Notable injuries: The only major injury I have had was actually a re-injury from a broken cuneiform bone (one of the square bones) in my left foot. I snapped it when I was 16 after hopping a fence running from the police. Luckily, I had Doc Martin's on at the time or it probably could have been worse.
I was at the bottom of a pile up during scrimmage practice when it was tweaked wrong again. I was only off skates for 2 weeks during this re-injury, but am pretty sure it will bother me the rest of my life. Stretching and especially Bikram Yoga have helped me tremendously.


Best team derby moment: I think the best moment for the Outfit for the 2009 season would have to be our moment of winning the last bout of our home season [to finish undefeated]. It was sort of anti-climatic when the last bout was over. I think we all know that we are that much closer to playing more WFTDA teams that will be of our same caliber.

Best personal derby moment: There are a few solid hits that made the crowd roar during this past season. Those always feel great. First thing that comes to mind that I can think of was during our most recent expo bout in October, 2009. Helsa Wayton gave me an awesome whip while I was jamming. Sweet Mary Pain was an opposing blocker (usually a power jammer), and she went for the kill cutting across the track in an almost 90 degree hit, but the whip from Helsa was so perfect that I gracefully dodged Sweet as she went flying out of bounds.

Worst personal derby moment: My worst personal moment was probably the very first bout I had ever played. I hadn't even scrimmaged yet or knew the game whatsoever. It was with my former league, the Sirens, and the expo was outside on North Avenue Beach. I was running late, hungover, starving, and didn't get all the soap out of my water bottle before I filled it and ran out the door. I just remember La Femme Nikita yelling at me to "HIT HER!!!!" when all I was trying to do was stay on my skates.

Favorite/rival non-Outfit skater: I have to say the person that stands out the most was a chick from TXRD, Moco Loco, whom I met at RollerCon, Vegas, 2008. We met on the bus on the way to the challenge bouts. She wanted one of the buttons of my face that Shoot To Kill, the Outfit photographer, made. "That's my face!" became a total inside joke that the Outfit still says.

Number of tattoos: I have two tattoos, both pretty subtle. One is on the inside of my left ankle of a butterfly the size of a dime that I got when I was 17 on a high school trip to Mexico. The other is abstract lines that spell out the word 'real' on the inside of my left arm that is only a year old.

Still-to-come tattoos: Maybe in another 11 years.

What you do when you're not skating: I am in my first semester of working on an MFA degree in the Interdisciplinary Arts and Media program at Columbia College, Chicago. I am also a freelance Photoshop Retoucher and assistant to Chicago artist, Jason Salavon. (www.salavon.com)

Favorite place in Chicago: I'm not a regular at any particular restaurant or bar but I have always loved the Empty Bottle for small music venues since I moved to Chicago 5 years ago. Now I live a block away and also met my current beau there.

Guilty pleasures: Mixing my food together and Justin Timberlake.

Tell us something you probably shouldn't: I bring up derby in conversations when I get bored and want attention.

Give us some advice: Life is easier if you keep it real.

Draw yourself in MSPaint:


Graves sets new bar is set in MSPaint submissions. Take note, everyone else.
The Spotlight is making it kind of hot in here, so someone had better crank that AC. We got a lot more to go.

Come Celebrate the Winter Holidays with The Outfit!

This Friday, December 18
7 - 10PM
Plan B in Wicker Park (1635 N Milwaukee)
There will be white elephant gifts, but I don't think there will be any of the pain that is normally part of that game.
Please come party down with us. We want to tell you how much we miss you, but it has to be in person.

Spotlight On... #666 Suzie Crotchrot

You couldn't tell it from the name, but Suzie Crotchrot is probably the unofficial "jokester" of the Chicago Outfit. What a crazy character THIS one is!
If she ain't crackin' bones, she's crackin' wise! Oh ho ho ho!
If she ain't splittin' heads, she's splittin' sides! Hee hee hee hee!
When the penalty box timer tells her to stand, she takes that as a cue to do standup comedy! Ah ha ha ha!
When she's told to go out and jam, she breaks out a guitar and plays Van Halen! Heh heh heh heh!
She tells jokes! [chokes on own saliva]
Anyway, this Spotlight works best if you play each YouTube clip as it comes up. Enjoy the comedy, everyone.
[slips on banana peel; falls into bottomless pit]

Sports before roller derby: Long Distance Projectile Puking, reigning champ since '94.



Signature move: My signature move is hitting on your younger brother when you aren't looking.



Notable injuries: My only notable injury was "messing up my knee." I still don't know exactly what happened to it, but the S.O.B. took me out for a majority of the season. Not being able to bout and practice with my ladies was a sad feeling. With that said, I fell so hard on my butt that I got this crack in it now. Can this be fixed?



Best team derby moment: SWEEPING the Fall Brawl 2008 Non-WFTDA bracket. When the Outfit first joined up in late 2007 they got together the few girls they had, scribbled Chicago Outfit on whatever white shirts they had and signed up to play the Fall Brawl '07 and were eliminated in the very first round. When we were invited back to the tournament in 2008, it was a COMPLETELY different story. The league had been working really hard and bouting some solid teams that season. All we really wanted to do was just play hard and do the damn thing. We came in as a force and wanted to show the derby world that we meant some serious fucking business, and we did. There's an epic group picture of us when we received our trophy and everyone just looks so happy.

Best personal derby moment: When I received the Rookie of the Year 2008 award. I had no idea that I would even be considered for that and was completely floored when I heard my name get called. Very honorable mention goes to all derby road trips in Chico or Sweet's car where we laughed the hardest and shared the best stories.

Favorite/rival non-Outfit skater: Ying O Fire and Hoosier Mama of WCR, Maura Buse of the Boston Derby Dames

Number of tattoos: I have 7 tattoos, with plenty more on their way. Sorry, mom! At least I'm not bleaching my hair blonde?

What you do when you're not skating: Flirting with you and taking your tips at New Wave Coffee; preparing for the Zombie apocalypse.

Favorite place in Chicago: (1) The Orbit Room. Ali the bartender is the best!!! (2) Irazu, for delicious Costa Rican food on the cheap. (3) Quimby's Book Store, for sweet books and zines. (4) Anywhere Dj Zebo spins for funfunsuperhappy dancepartytime.

Favorite drink: The blood of infants, chilled, in a highball glass.



Movie you hate that everyone else likes: The Saw series. What are they up to now? 6? How did that even happen?! I'll seriously judge you if you say that's one of your favorite movies. Honorable mention also goes to Twilight. (Sorry, Smashley.)

Favorite article of clothing: I am a t-shirt queen. Every time I go out of town or out in general, I will go out of my way to find a shop with some neat t-shirts to add to the arsenal. Horror/roller derby/local band shirts run my collection for the most part. My favorite out of those has to be my Return of the Living Dead t-shirt with reworked cover art that has "Do You Wanna Party? It's Party Time" printed on the front and the sleeves cut off. I hate sleeves. I will cut the sleeves off of every damn shirt I have!

Guilty pleasures: Picking my nose, popping zits, looking up videos of French Bulldog puppies doing cute things.

Tell us something you probably shouldn't: I can be sweet. Don't go expecting it, though!

Give us some advice: Eat two raw cloves of garlic before you go to bed and after you wake up to make your cold ease up. I SWEAR IT WORKS.

Draw yourself in MSPaint:




And that's all she wrote... literally! These are the jokes, folks!
[gets hooked offstage]

Spotlight On... #08 Erin Watershow

Holy guacamole. We are back. Who is the skater that will be showing us a window into her mind this week? It's Erin Watershow, dudes and dudettes.
Fun fact: Erin takes her name from Chicago's Air & Water Show. For an amount of time this blog editor is embarrassed to admit, he thought the Smithsonian National Air & Space Museum was actually called the "Aaron Space Museum." He wondered who this Aaron guy was and what kind of space adventures he had to give the government enough reason to name a space museum after him. Never mind the fact he had been inside and seen a lot of non-space aircraft on display. Idiot.
Anyway, on with the Erin Watershowing.

When/how you first got involved with roller derby: Last winter, my roommate came home from work one day with a flyer and asked, "Would you maybe wanna try out for roller derby with me?" and I was like "Hell yeah!" A month later, I went to my first new recruit practice; it was love at first sight.

Sports before roller derby: Mainly dance. I studied ballet, tap, and jazz from the time I could walk until I graduated high school. I also did synchronized swimming (yes, really) as well as swim team.

Best team derby moment: One word: ROLLERCON

Best personal derby moment: Coming back and defeating Demolition City's B Team this summer with the Shade Brigade [the Outfit's B Team]. I have never been prouder of myself or my teammates.

Worst personal derby moment: If I told you, I'd have to kill you :)

Favorite/rival non-Outfit skater: I developed a bit of a derby crush watching Smarty Pants play at RollerCon.

Number of tattoos: 1, a tooth! I come from a family of dentists. Six to be exact, soon to be seven.

Still-to-come tattoos: I really want the Goodyear blimp on my left arm to show my hometown pride. Akron, Ohio: it's the rubber capital of the world.

What you do when you're not skating: I work for a children's photographer, blotting the drool off of kids' faces.

Favorite place in Chicago: The Alfred Caldwell Lily Pool in Lincoln Park. If you haven't been there, go.

Favorite word: "Unscathed." I like the way it feels when you say it.

Guilty pleasures: Suzie's cheese fries and milkshakes, watching Lost, listening to Kiss FM, and collecting old crap that serves no purpose but to clog up my shelves (old broken cameras, typewriters, cool trophies, outdated globes, thermoses, the list goes on and on)

Tell us something you probably shouldn't: Sometimes I won't do my laundry for months. Once my hamper is full, I'll pile the overflow of dirty clothes onto my bed and just carve out a little space to sleep in.

Give us some advice: "Fear the goat from the front, the horse from the rear, and (wo)man from all sides."

Draw yourself in MSPaint: I went to art school. Can you tell?



Please, folks, support art in your local schools.
Thanks for the good times today, E. Watershow. Maybe we can all go for a ride sometime on the S.S. Outfit, though it doesn't really look like it could carry more than a few stick figures. Guess it's time for all of us to hit the gym.

Spotlight On... #M80 Sweet Mary Pain

Welcome back, folks. Today, we meet with the captain and peer-voted Most Valuable Player of the 2009 Chicago Outfit (and champion of the United States), Sweet Mary Pain. Given her work ethic, it's not surprising Sweet Mary Pain takes a somewhat straightforward, professional angle in her responses. Maybe if you make enough silly faces at her, you might see her crack a smile.

When/how you first got involved with roller derby: I first heard of the Rat City Rollergirls many years ago when i was living in Ithaca, NY. Without any explanation of the game, I knew I wanted to play. Unfortunately, Ithaca didn't have a league at the time, and I had to wait until I moved to Chicago in September 2007 to join what would become the Chicago Outfit.

Sports before roller derby: I played a million sports before derby in high school including, Swimming, Tennis, Volleyball, Basketball and Soccer, yeah, I'm kinda a jock. While I don't think I'm necessarily more athletic than anyone as a result of my experience with sports, I do think I had a better understanding of the formula of coaching and practice than most people do coming into sports for the first time.

Signature move: I wouldn't say I really have a signature move. When I first started jamming, I was a juking fool and would waste all my energy with a lame fakes left and right that didn't really work. I've calmed it down since then, 'cause one very convincing juke is much more effective than a bunch of lame wiggling behind a blocker. Hopefully now my juking is a little more convincing and effective.

Notable injuries: I've been very lucky with injuries. They've all been minor. I've broken a rib, twisted my knee, broken a dumb pinky finger, and finally had concussion or two. The worst was totally the concussion. I don't like my brain getting busted. It feels weird.

Best team derby moment: There are so many awesome team moments with the Outfit both on and off the track it's hard to pick just one. I have on the track moments when our replacement blocking is on point and we just relentlessly push the opposing jammer one after the other to the outside of the track. Replacement blocking, although it's a simple strategy, only works when the team is really functioning cohesively and when the skaters are willing to temporarily abandon their position in the pack, trusting their teammates will pick up where they left off. It's those moments when we exhibit the most trust in our teammates that gives me that special feeling.

Best personal derby moment: I don't really have a best personal derby moment. There are some instances where I certainly feel great about a particular jam but mostly I tend to fixate on the things I need to work on. This isn't necessarily destructive or negative. Being able to recognize what I have to improve on makes it more achievable.

Worst personal derby moment: The worst derby moments for me only happen off the track. It's been a lot of work for me learning how to communicate with my teammates constructively and with empathy. I'm extremely diligent and have very high standards for myself, and in the beginning, it was hard not to hold all skaters to my personal standards. Of course, that was unfair, and I've been working on trying to be more motivating and accessible to the rest of my teammates. I guess the hardest part has been understanding complicated team dynamics.

Favorite/rival non-Outfit skater: I have a million players that I love to watch and learn from. I try to watch girls that are successful with my body type and play my position. Right now I am very interested in DeRanged from Rocky Mountain Rollergirls. She's a former speed skater turned jammer who is just awesome and aggressive.

What you do when you're not skating: When I'm not skating, I'm studying and that's all, ugh. I'm in a premed post bach program at Northwestern, and one day, many years from now, if everything goes right, I could be your doctor. Yeah, get scared.

Sweet Mary Pain declined to draw herself in MSPaint, so it looks like we're going to have to do it ourselves.



Aw, jeez. Why'd you have to go and do that to The Shoveler, everyone's favorite referee? He even gave you lead. What more do you want? And you know he hates it when skaters exploit the lack of rules on laser beam eyes.
Okay, enough of this nonsense. Join us next week when we look for more ways to alter images so it looks like we are killing referees.

Spotlight On... #138 Lola Blow

This week, we visit with Lola Blow, one of the most experienced veterans on the Outfit. Lola shows us she's a good sport by broadcasting her subconscious thoughts on diapers, celiac disease, and pretty much everything we never thought we would ever know about another person.


When/how you first got involved with roller derby: It was in 2005. Some crazy, hyper girl with red hair that skated for an old league called the Sirens ran up to me while I was somewhere in Logan Square and asked, "Hey, do you skate?" I replied with, "Uh... no... like skateboard?" And she goes, "No roller skate! I play roller derby. You should come check out our practice." She insisted I take a flyer. So I took one, went to a practice, and 4 years and 3 concussions later, I'm still skating!

Sports before roller derby: I never really stuck with any sports before roller derby, mainly because I was always very small growing up, and for some reason, softball and volleyball coaches didn't think that smaller girls could be as good as those Amazon women. They never really gave me any playtime, although I most certainly didn't suck. I quit and joined roller derby. I showed them idiots.

Signature move: Sandwiching the opposing jammer with my fellow teammate Smashley. We will both hip check you at the same time, and you'll have nowhere to go but on the floor. I also have a shoulder check that can knock anyone down.

Notable injuries: Sprained knee, busted lip, three concussions, and a swelbow the size of china. Wanna see?



Best team derby moment:When we won the 2008 Fall brawl Tournament. We left undefeated. I think we all cried tears of happiness together. Then we drank a million drinks of happiness afterward!

Best personal derby moment: Stealing a sign from a insane Jesus freak with my old teammate and homie Althea N Hell in Vegas after we skated with the Vagine Regime. [image kinda NSFW]

Worst personal derby moment: When I peed my pants during a game from getting hit so hard. Believe it.

Favorite/rival non-Outfit skater: Mayhemily. I'm always a Renegade at heart.

What you do when you're not skating: Obsessively research ways to be the strongest derby girl and live forever by taking Chinese herbs and vitamins.


Favorite drink: Tequila gimlet, with fresh squeezed lime juice please! Oh and I love Kombucha - Ginger flavor.

Music you hate that everyone else likes: Kings of Leon. They are too damn whiny, but everyone around me loves them.

Favorite song to skate to: 'Dookie Booty' or 'Poison' by Bel Biv DeVoe

Guilty pleasures: That song 'Just Throw It in the Bag', and waxing my nose hairs

Give us some advice: STOP EATING GLUTEN. It's bad for you.

Tell us something you probably shouldn't: I feel like peeing my pants during the middle of a game could have been kept to myself, but since I did, I'll tell you something else. I stopped shaving my armpits because they started smelling really bad after I would shave them. So now they are hairy...and not smelly! Oh, and I got a staph infection from my kneepads. It's fine now, but seriously... wash your pads all the time. Staph is bad news. I feel much closer with you now, reader.

Finally, draw yourself in MSPaint:




We... appreciate(?) your honesty with everything, Lola.

Come back next week for another skater's entry, hopefully with fewer references to pants peein'. No promises, though.

Spotlight On... #100 Smashley "The Spaniard" Destructo

Ah, the offseason. We can't watch them skate, so it's time to get to learn a little bit more about our skaters.
In our first installment of Spotlight On..., we meet with Smashley "The Spaniard" Destructo and let her go nuts with material that might come back to haunt her several decades down the line.

When/how you first got involved with roller derby: In April of 2007, I went to a [former Chicago roller derby league] Sirens bout at Lynwood Skating Rink. I instantly fell in love with roller derby and knew it had to become my life. I emailed the Sirens the following day to find out how I could get involved with the league.

Sports before roller derby: Softball, horseback riding, and kickboxing

Signature move: Anything with my ass ... hahaha, they don't call me 'Smassley' for nothing. But I would call my signature move "The Stunner." Your chest should never come in contact with my shoulder because you may think you're having an asthma attack.




Notable injuries: I've been lucky in the injury department. Six months after I started derby, I fell pretty badly from the pivot, Perky Set. My knee was injured and I had to go on sabbatical for 2 months. Besides that ... just bruises, some have been in places that they don't belong.

Best team derby moment: Both Fall Brawls that The Chicago Outfit attended. In the fall of '07, we lost every bout we played but our bonding was miraculous and our partying was even better. It was even sweeter when we came back the next year and won the tournament by being undefeated.

Best personal derby moment: When derby finally made sense to me and I didn't have that confused sensation any more. It was an 'Ahh Ha!' moment.

Worst personal derby moment: Playing against Rockford Rage in our first season. I was jamming full speed through the pack with I received an elbow to my sternum and it knocked me out cold. I blacked out and then began hyperventilating. It was super embarrassing.

Favorite/rival non-Outfit skater: Tin Lizzy from North Star Roller Girls... all I have to say is BAD ASS

Number of tattoos: Five, not including the cover up


What you do when you're not skating: You thought the girls on the track are hard... nothing compared to my first graders. I live a life of juggling my career as a first grade teacher, getting my masters as a reading specialist, and playing roller derby for The Chicago Outfit.

Favorite place in Chicago: I really enjoy going to New Wave Cafe (a great place to grade papers) and spending my Sunday mornings at the Farmer's Market with Suzie Crotchrot.

Food/movie/music you hate that everyone else likes: Vegetables/Dogma/Bjork

Guilty pleasures: Books about vampires. What can I say? It's sexy.

Tell us something you probably shouldn't: I just did.

Give us some advice: "For every negative, give three positives."

Finally, draw yourself in MSPaint:

(click to enlarge)

Stay tuned for more in the coming weeks, folks!

Join Our Family!

Feelin' bored? I can't really blame you. I mean... just LOOK at you. You're not a derby girl!

The Chicago Outfit is having rolling recruitment in the next few months, and we would be honored to release you of your boredom.

If you're interested, email outfitrecruitment@gmail.com. Your reasons for not doing it are objectively bad.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Just in time for Christmas, Berlin Nightclub presents The Rocky Horror Picture Show this Tuesday night to benefit the Chicago Outfit. Hasn't it been years since you last ventured out to a late-night showing of this sing-along? Even if you went last week, it's still about time you went again. And if you've never been, you're in for a treat.


The Rocky Horror Picture Show @ Berlin Nightclub
954 W Belmont, Chicago
Tuesday, October 27th, 2009, @ 10:00pm

Outfit in the YouTubes: Food Networked

This is an oldie, albeit a goodie.

Food Network's Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives did a piece on Chicago restaurant Kuma's Corner. Some Outfit skaters were there during the shoot, and host Guy Fieri is surprised by the strength of their stomachs.



No word yet from WFTDA whether or not sunglasses worn on the back of the head will be a uniform requirement henceforth. (If you're reading this, I think it would really help the sport, you guys!)

Outfit in the YouTubes

Some recent videos from a website that is popular with folks these days.

In a three-part entry, a handful of Outfit skaters stopped by the Heartland Cafe to discuss derby on 'Live from the Heartland,' a weekly radio show on WLUW 88.7 FM.

Part 1 is here; Parts 2 and 3 can be accessed at the end of each preceding video.


During a time that was obviously warmer, some members of the Outfit out flyering in Wrigleyville for an upcoming bout got stopped by Billy Dec talking about the upcoming Chicago Olympic bid. Does anyone know what ended up happening with that? Please let me know.

Remember sunnier times.

Outfit in the News: Suburbzzzz

Harley Dangerson, Stiletto Nightmare, and newcomer Yama show up in an article about "roller derby" in the Des Plaines publication Journal Online. Check out the story by using your "cursor" to "click" on this "hyperlink."



The height of the person is key in knowing how happy she is to be getting her picture taken